(And Why Is the Mirror Giving Me Parenting Advice?)
Ever stopped to think about how your actions and words are shaping your child’s self-perception? It’s like they’re looking into a mirror, and every interaction, every reaction, every moment of connection (or disconnection) leaves a mark on that reflection. Kind of like how that one time you tried to cut your own bangs and ended up looking like you’d lost a fight with a weed whacker. (Yeah, we’ve all been there.)
Now, I’m not saying we need to be perfect parents. (Let’s be honest, that ship sailed the moment we first encountered a toddler tantrum in the cereal aisle, armed with nothing but a half-eaten box of Cheerios and a rapidly depleting supply of patience.) But we do have an incredible opportunity to influence how our children see themselves, how they value themselves, and how they navigate the world with their own unique “oddthenticity.”
It’s easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of everyday life. I mean, between the overflowing laundry hamper that seems to have a life of its own and the constant hunt for matching socks (seriously, where do they go?), it’s a miracle any of us make it out the door with our sanity intact. Especially lately, with my kids adjusting to my recent divorce from their mom, things have felt extra ‘exciting.’ It’s like we’re all navigating a new landscape, and let’s just say the map is missing a few key landmarks. My daughter, for example, externalizes everything. Drop-offs and pick-ups can be tough because she basically turns into a tiny, adorable koala bear who’s decided my leg is her new favorite eucalyptus tree. It’s heartwarming, sure, but also makes it slightly difficult to, you know, actually leave. My son, on the other hand, internalizes his emotions, almost like he’s filed them away in a top-secret vault guarded by a grumpy dragon who only accepts bribes in the form of chocolate chip cookies.
And sometimes, it can feel to our kids like their emotional needs just don’t fit into our routine. We get so caught up in keeping things moving, checking off the to-do list, that we inadvertently send the message that their feelings are an interruption, an inconvenience. Like, “Hey, kiddo, that meltdown is totally cramping my style. Could you maybe reschedule for, say, never o’clock?”
But amidst the chaos (and the occasional sock-induced existential crisis), it’s crucial to remember that our children are watching, learning, and internalizing every interaction. When we dismiss their emotions, tell them to “go to their room,” or prioritize our own needs above theirs, we’re inadvertently scratching their mirror, distorting their reflection, and potentially creating wounds that can last a lifetime. It’s like saying, “Your inner world isn’t important to me; I don’t want to be a part of it.” This can deeply impact their emotional development and their ability to form healthy relationships. (And nobody wants their kid showing up to therapy twenty years from now blaming it all on that one time you wouldn’t let them have a second scoop of ice cream.)
Think about it: when a child expresses their feelings, whether it’s frustration, sadness, or fear, they’re seeking validation, understanding, and a safe space to be heard. When we brush them aside, tell them to “toughen up,” or minimize their experiences, we’re sending a message that their emotions don’t matter, that their needs are not important.
And those messages, repeated over time, can create a distorted self-image, a belief that they’re not worthy of love, attention, or respect. It can lead to challenges with self-esteem, difficulty forming healthy relationships, and a lifelong struggle to connect with their authentic selves. I know I struggled with this for a long time. (Let’s just say my inner critic could give Simon Cowell a run for his money.)
But here’s the good news: we have the power to change the reflection. We can choose to be the parents we needed when we were eight years old – the parents who listened with empathy, who validated our feelings, and who created a safe space for us to be vulnerable and authentic. (You know, the kind of parents who would have totally let us have that second scoop of ice cream.)
It starts with being present, truly present, in the moments we share with our children. It means putting down our phones, you know, those magical devices that seem to have a gravitational pull stronger than the moon, silencing the mental chatter (that never-ending to-do list can wait), and tuning into their world with genuine curiosity and compassion.
It means recognizing that their emotions are valid, even when they seem irrational or disproportionate to us. (Because let’s face it, we’ve all had those moments where we’ve lost our minds over a misplaced TV remote.) It means offering comfort and support, even when we don’t fully understand what they’re going through.
Playing with our kids is fantastic, and building those joyful memories is essential. My son and I used to be inseparable. We were always on some grand adventure, real or imagined, and he used to tell me everything. But nurturing their emotional well-being requires more. It’s about taking the time to understand their emotions and helping them understand ours. It’s about teaching them healthy coping mechanisms, helping them identify and express their feelings, and modeling self-regulation in our own lives. (Because, let’s be real, sometimes we adults need a time-out just as much as the kids do.)
That’s why I’ve been teaching my kids the DBT skills I learned in therapy. We practice mindfulness, square breathing, and talk about the circle of control. Lately, we’ve been working on setting and respecting boundaries, which has been huge for all of us. It also means setting healthy boundaries for ourselves and allowing them the space to establish their own – and respecting those boundaries. (Because apparently, “because I said so” is no longer a valid argument in the court of parenting. Who knew?)
And sometimes, that means recognizing that a moment of emotional outburst is not the time for a lesson. When a child is struggling with big feelings, they need to feel heard and supported first. That creates the emotional safety they need to learn and grow. It’s not about assigning blame or excusing our actions; it’s about prioritizing their emotional needs in that moment.
It means creating a home where vulnerability is welcomed, where authenticity is celebrated, and where our children feel safe to be their true, “oddthentic” selves. Honestly, it’s been amazing to see the progress. My son, who used to just shrug off his feelings, now comes to me and openly shares what’s going on inside. It hasn’t been easy, especially considering I wasn’t always there for him emotionally. There was a time, during the worst of my CPTSD, when I dismissed his needs, even told him to stop being himself. I can’t take back those words, but I can show him that change is possible. And seeing both my kids now, coming to me, telling me how they feel, seeking comfort…it’s the greatest gift. To go from being emotionally unavailable to being someone they trust with their inner world…it’s incredible.
And it’s not just about coming to me anymore. They’re starting to turn towards each other for support, too. Sometimes, I’ll overhear them working through a conflict, actually telling each other how the other’s actions made them feel. And then one will apologize, and they’ll move on. It honestly makes me want to cry (happy tears, of course, not the ugly-cry kind that requires a family-sized box of tissues). To see them learning these healthy coping mechanisms and emotional regulation skills…it gives me so much hope.
And it means remembering that we’re not just shaping their reflection in the mirror; we’re also reflecting our own values, our own capacity for empathy and compassion. Our children are watching how we handle our emotions, how we navigate conflict, and how we treat others. They’re learning from our example, internalizing our behaviors, and forming their own beliefs about the world and their place in it.
So, let’s choose to be the reflection they deserve. Let’s be the parents who nurture their self-worth, who empower them to embrace their “oddthenticity,” and who create a world where they feel loved, valued, and truly seen.
Because one day, our children will look back on their childhood, and we will be a part of those memories. Right now, we have the incredible opportunity to influence what they remember. Let’s guide them towards a reflection of love, acceptance, and the unwavering belief in their limitless potential.
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