The Armor of My Oddthenticity: Healing Body Image & Self-Acceptance

I used to wear clothes that I claimed were out of comfort. Function over fashion. But that couldn’t have been further from the truth. The truth was, it brought me comfort in the mere fact that it hid the discomfort that had grown regarding the negative opinions regarding what had become of the unhealthy external landscape of my body. I never cared what others thought of my appearance, still don’t. Fueled by unwanted or wanted emotions, I dress for the comfort of my own mind.

My mind over the years has been a battleground. The damage became evident on the canvas of my body. Hair thinning, downward spiraling oral health, excessive weight gain, acne, and more. Some forever changed and shaped my external experience. Others, healing almost as if they are reciprocating the forgiveness, kindness, and love I have learned to extend to myself. Hair follicles once absent of keratin taking form into dark brown strands, now sprung back to life. Weight melting away like snow at spring’s arrival. Skin once scarred by blemishes trapping the unhealthy habits of a darkened mind, fading away and, for the most part, staying away. My oral health has improved, but damage done cannot be undone. Leaving behind a smile robbed of its true nature.

Fighting the shadow that I had become wasn’t easy. It started in an outward manner seeking validation from others to understand, forgive, and accept me for who I am, without fully knowing myself. It wasn’t until I began to forgive myself, understand myself, and accept myself, did I discover who I am. Not who I was forced to become through the trials of my life, but at my core. Understanding that while I will misstep and make mistakes, I am not the sum of my faults. I am so much more. Once I had found this understanding, this key, to the genuine nature of my heart and mind, I was able to unlock the cage of my potential.

Now, as my body heals in tandem with my mind and heart, I find a growing comfort in unfamiliar territory. Clothes I had always dreamed of wearing, foolishly denied by internal shame of outward appearance, now bring me comfort in a new way. An external expression of my internal landscape. Comfort fit to form, not baggy, saggy, or lagging style. Style not for others, but my own self-image. An armor of sorts, not to prevent harm, or shield from exterior judgment, but to display the strength and confidence within.

My external landscape is finally matching my internal one. For the first time in my life I am me. Not free to be me, but confidently, proudly, and oddthentically, me.