Beyond the To-Do List: The Mental Load of Neurodivergent Parenting

Parenting is often described as the most rewarding yet challenging job in the world. But what happens when you add in the complexities of ADHD, autism, and mental illness for both the parent and the child? The mental load becomes exponentially heavier, a constant juggling act that can leave parents feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and often isolated.

The Two-Parent Household: A Balancing Act

In a two-parent household, the challenges are significant enough. Coordinating schedules for your kids, work schedules, managing household tasks, providing emotional support, and meeting the unique needs of each child can feel like a never-ending marathon. Add in the impulsivity, emotional dysregulation, and executive functioning challenges that often accompany ADHD, autism, or mental illness, and the task can feel Herculean.

For me, with my ADHD and CPTSD, and my ex-wife with her AuDHD (ADHD/Autism), parenting was a complex dance of trying to meet everyone’s needs while also managing our own emotional triggers and challenges. The hypervigilance, emotional flashbacks, and difficulty with emotional regulation that are often associated with CPTSD added another layer of complexity to an already demanding situation.

And then there were the children. Our son is gifted and has ADHD, and our daughter likely has ADHD as well. Their unique needs added another dimension to the intricate puzzle of parenting. My son’s boundless energy and my daughter’s emotional sensitivity required constant attention and creative strategies to help them navigate their world. We were constantly learning, adapting, and seeking out new ways to support them.

I know that my ex-wife and I struggled to navigate these challenges effectively. While we both had the best intentions, our communication often faltered, and how could we not? My ADHD and undiagnosed CPTSD, combined with my ex-wife’s AuDHD, created a unique set of obstacles that we weren’t always equipped to handle. We often struggled to understand each other’s perspectives, and our differing needs and communication styles often led to misunderstandings and frustration.

The Weight of the Past

Before my diagnosis, when we were still married, my behavior was often erratic and unpredictable. I didn’t understand the impact my CPTSD was having on my actions and reactions. I would black out during moments of stress or when my trauma was triggered by simple things like maintaining the household duties, spending time with my family, it left my ex-wife and the kids feeling confused, unsupported, and constantly walking on eggshells. I neglected my duties as a husband and father, while not by choice, and I deeply regret the pain that caused. I may not have been in control, but I’m still responsible for the behavior and the fallout from it.

The Isolation of Single Parenthood

But what about single-parent households? The mental load in these situations can be truly overwhelming. All the responsibilities fall on one person’s shoulders, with little to no respite. It’s a constant battle against burnout, and the lack of support can take a toll on both the parent’s and the child’s well-being. Studies have shown that children in single-parent households are more likely to experience challenges in school, have emotional and behavioral difficulties, and struggle with their own mental health.

Since the separation from my ex-wife, the mental load has intensified significantly for both of us, more so for her. It’s a constant struggle to balance work, parenting, and self-care. The lack of another adult to share the responsibilities with can be incredibly isolating. What I wouldn’t give for a supportive partner to help with bedtime routines, homework battles, and the endless cycle of laundry and dishes! Or just to have someone at the end of the day to unwind with and know that we’re doing our best with what we have, while leaning into each other’s strengths and growing strong together to face the challenges that await as the kids grow.

The Hope of Co-Parenting

This isolation and the weight of responsibility are precisely why a strong co-parenting relationship is so crucial, even when romantic partnership is no longer possible. While single parenting can feel like an uphill battle, co-parenting, when done well, can provide a much-needed sense of shared responsibility and support.

However, even though we’re not together anymore, my ex-wife and I are committed to working towards a healthy and supportive co-parenting relationship. We’re not quite there yet, but we’re making progress every day. I’m learning to anticipate her needs without her having to ask, which is a challenge with my ADHD, but I’m getting better at it. I’ve realized that showing my care and support, though more challenging, is still possible.

Parenting with Presence and Intention

Now that I have my CPTSD and ADHD under control, I’m finally parenting the way I always dreamed of. I’m more present, more patient, and more able to provide the support that my ex-wife and the kids need. Thanks to DBT skills and a deeper understanding of my triggers, my CPTSD is no longer a constant threat. I haven’t had a panic attack or been close to an episode since August. It’s a huge relief, and it allows me to be the father I always wanted to be. I’m no longer plagued by flashbacks or emotional dysregulation, which makes a world of difference in my ability to be present and supportive for my kids. I’m not saying I don’t still struggle, I do. But I’m in control of my emotions, they don’t control me. I no longer react, rather I show up and respond.

And I’m sharing what I’ve learned with my children. We’re working on DBT skills together, learning how to identify and manage our emotions, and navigate challenging situations with greater awareness and resilience. It’s a journey we’re on together, and it’s incredibly rewarding to see them growing and developing these essential life skills.

The Longing for What Could Have Been

But I can’t help but feel a pang of sadness, knowing that I can’t do it by her side to support her and the kids how I always wanted to. The challenges we could overcome and the dynamic we could have as parents now would be amazing.

But for now, we have to do the co-parenting dance, which often results in delayed communication and updates after the fact. It’s hard to ask for help in a single-parent household. When the kids are misbehaving at the same time, it splits our already divided attention even more. Having another parent present to navigate these situations would make it so much easier. If only I had woken up sooner and addressed my CPTSD…

The Journey Continues

This journey of co-parenting is an ongoing process, but we’re both dedicated to making it work. We know that by working together, we can create a stable and loving environment for our children, even though our family structure has changed.

It’s important to remember that there’s no one-size-fits-all solution. Every family is unique, and the challenges will vary depending on individual circumstances. But acknowledging the mental load, seeking support, and advocating for yourself and your children are crucial steps towards navigating this complex journey.