The Mirror of Our Own Resistance
Change is the ever-present dance of existence, swirling around us like a mischievous imp. While we accept subtle shifts in ourselves and others—often unnoticed until we look back—what happens when change becomes undeniable? Why do we embrace negative transformations with a resigned shrug, yet meet positive growth with skepticism and doubt?
We readily accept that people can change for the worse, often chalking it up to external forces or inherent flaws. “Ah, well,” we sigh, “that’s just who they are now.” But when someone dares to embark on a positive transformation, we raise an eyebrow, a skeptical smirk playing on our lips. It’s as if we’re hardwired to believe in the inevitability of entropy, while viewing positive change as an anomaly, a fleeting mirage in the desert of human experience. “Oh, they’ll screw up again,” we scoff. “They always do. People don’t really change.”
This bias, woven into the fabric of our societal narratives, is reflected in the stories we tell and the beliefs we cling to. We’re bombarded with tales of downfall and corruption—stories of people succumbing to their demons or reveling in their wickedness. In contrast, narratives of redemption and growth are often relegated to feel-good movies and inspirational underdog stories. We cheer for the protagonist who overcomes the odds, but what about a villain who changes their ways? Even when we recognize their transformation, we secretly harbor suspicion, as if such change belongs only in fiction.
This negativity bias, like a persistent voice of doubt, can wreak havoc on our perception of personal growth and transformation. It’s a double standard that says more about us than it does about the people changing.
My Journey Through the Labyrinth of CPTSD
My own journey through the labyrinth of CPTSD is a testament to this curious phenomenon. After years of wrestling with anger, distance, and neglect, I stumbled upon a transformation that seemed to materialize overnight, like a phoenix rising from the ashes. It was as if a switch had been flipped, and I emerged, blinking, into the sunlight of a new reality. However, this rapid shift was met with a chorus of raised eyebrows and skeptical whispers, questioning the authenticity of my metamorphosis. “Is this real?” they seemed to wonder, “Or is it just an act, a fleeting performance?”
They chose to distance themselves from the change I was making, dismissing it and making assumptions without tangible facts to back up their self-proclaimed distrust. I was never given the chance to change in their mind. They had accepted my negative change without hesitation, claiming in their mind it’s just who I really am. It is often difficult for people to understand the profound impact that trauma can have on an individual, and even more difficult for them to believe that someone can truly heal and transform after such an experience.
The Double Standard Laid Bare
This experience, and countless others like it, highlights the double standard we apply to change. We readily accept negative change, often viewing it as an inevitable descent or even a karmic consequence. “They did this to themselves,” we’ll say. But when someone dares to defy the odds, to embark on a quest for self-improvement, they deserve a hearty cheer, a supportive hand on their back—not a skeptical glare.
Why are we so resistant to accepting positive change in others? Perhaps it stems from a deep-seated fear of our own inadequacies. Witnessing someone else transform for the better can trigger feelings of envy, shame, or even a sense of being left behind. It challenges our own beliefs about our capacity for growth and change.
Or perhaps it’s simply a matter of familiarity. We’re so accustomed to seeing people falter, to witnessing the gradual erosion of their character and potential, that positive change seems jarring, out of place. It disrupts our expectations and forces us to confront the uncomfortable possibility that we, too, could be capable of more.
The Damaging Impact of Doubt
Our doubt and disbelief can have a profound impact on someone’s journey of change. When we question their sincerity, dismiss their efforts, or minimize their achievements, we create an environment of negativity that can hinder their progress and erode their self-confidence. Imagine a delicate seedling struggling to reach for the sunlight, only to be met with a constant barrage of harsh winds and icy rain. Our negativity can be just as damaging, stifling their growth and preventing them from reaching their full potential.
Fear of Change: A Reflection in the Mirror
Perhaps our resistance to another’s positive transformation stems from our own fear of change. If someone we know has changed, it forces us to change as well—our perception of them and our attitude toward them. This can be particularly challenging if the person had wronged us in the past, even unintentionally. We may subconsciously, and perhaps even consciously at times, challenge their change as a way to test them or further punish them. It’s a subtle power play, a passive-aggressive need to “win” or be “right.”
When someone who has hurt us makes an effort to change, it disrupts our narrative of them. It challenges our perception of who they are and how we should relate to them. This can be unsettling, even threatening, as it forces us to confront our own unresolved emotions and potentially re-evaluate our relationship with them.
Until we can let go of resentment and forgive them, our own perception will be inherently flawed, harming not only the growth of the other person but us as well. It’s a self-imposed prison of negativity, where we cling to our rigid black-and-white thinking and refuse to accept the possibility of growth and transformation, even to the point of devastating consequences.
Choosing to Embrace Change
Instead of being a source of doubt and discouragement, we can choose to be a source of support and encouragement. We can choose to believe in their capacity for change, to celebrate their victories, and to offer a helping hand when they stumble. By embracing their positive transformation, we not only empower them to continue growing but also create a ripple effect of positivity that can inspire others to embark on their own journeys of self-improvement.
Here are some genuine ways to shift our perspective and embrace the positive change in others:
Challenge your assumptions:
When someone exhibits positive change, resist the urge to dismiss it as a fleeting fancy or a clever disguise. Instead, be open to the possibility that they have genuinely blossomed and transformed.
Acknowledge the effort:
Recognize that positive change often requires a Herculean effort, a courageous leap of faith, and a deep dive into self-reflection. Acknowledge the work they’ve put in and express your genuine appreciation.
Offer support and encouragement:
Be a beacon of support for those navigating the swirling currents of change. Your belief in them can be the wind in their sails, guiding them toward their destination.
Practice empathy:
Put yourself in their shoes and try to understand their perspective. Remember that change can be a challenging voyage, and everyone’s journey is unique.
Recognize and validate their growth:
Acknowledge the progress they’ve made and validate their efforts. Let them know that you see the positive changes in their lives and that you appreciate their commitment to growth.
A Call to Believe
Embracing positive change in others not only benefits them but also enriches our own lives. It opens us to new possibilities, inspires hope, and strengthens relationships. So, the next time someone shows signs of growth, challenge your assumptions. Celebrate their efforts. Offer support. By believing in the potential for change, we create a more compassionate world—one where everyone has the chance to flourish.
Start today: Who in your life is transforming? How can you be their ally instead of their skeptic? And perhaps more importantly, what would it take for you to believe in the possibility of change—not just in others, but in yourself?
Remember, it’s easy to say, “Be the change you wish to see in the world” Its harder to see and accept the change we need.
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